2007 February archive at Spattering Neurons

Archive for February, 2007

Feb

Flower of the sun

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Made up shit and Short Story

Flower of the sun
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

The giant was bored.

Having successfully terrified the entire population of Columbus, Ohio there weren’t any people left to smash, throw, or eat. He actually didn’t feel like doing much more than settling down on the parking garage for the night and flipping through the channels on the arena’s display downtown. After hopefully ripping open a few last buildings he gave up.

As he started to walk down high street, he saw a figure heading toward him. It was hard to make through the dust he had been kicking up, but soon enough the hottest giant he ever saw came into view. She was a little short at 900 feet tall or so with bright red hair and a smile he couldn’t stop looking at. When she got close enough to him she said, “I’m sorry, is this your city? I was trying to find a field to rest for the night and when I saw the city I had hoped there would be somebody who could recommend some place to me”.

Still a bit dumbstruck the giant paused for a moment before saying, “Umm, yeah. Field good. Field there”. He pointed to the west. She smiled again and thanked him, stepping over a bar to head in the direction he indicated. “Wait!” said the giant, causing the giantess to turn. He walked north a block or two and grabbed a large sunflower in front of a building, returning to hand it to her.

She took it and said coyly, “Is there room enough in that field for two”? Nodding silently with a sloppy smile he took her hand, not even noticing when he stepped in a Starbucks.

Feb

Local alarm

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Made up shit

Local alarm
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

An Open Letter From Bill Cosby

You have perhaps heard me talk on issues concerning the African American community such as a lack of focus on education, crime, and the hip hop music. Today I’d like to address one more concern regarding a growing problem with today’s black youth. More and more young men, through laziness and a general lack of education, are wearing away the hard earned sexual reputation men of color have worked so long and hard to earn.

Earlier this century a black man wasn’t able to touch a white woman without being lynched, let alone caress the most tender parts of her body. It’s still said that “once you go black, you never go back”, but I believe this to be out of sheer momentum that this belief persists. Young African American men are spending their nights running from the police and smoking the pot when they should be spending their nights reminding their special woman why they picked the darkest skinned man in the bar.

The problem as I see it is a lack of solid role models. Parents, teachers, and leaders in the community need to make it clear that a young man needs to work hard to continue carrying the torch passed down by forefathers of lust like Shaft, Jimi Hendrix, and James Brown. If not there could be a tragic downturn in tail for future generations of African Americans.

Feb

No EXIT

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Reminiscence

No EXIT
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

When I was a much younger person I went to Seaworld with my parents. At some point during the trip they convinced me to climb up the rope net to the pirate ship. With much difficulty and fear I climbed the net, gripping tightly the entire way. Once I arrived on the deck I was fine (so fine in fact that I gleefully tried to squirt people with the onboard water canons).

Then, at some point, my parents were on the deck and I was all “How’d you get up here” and they explained that they has come up the stairs on the other side. I was all like “There are STAIRS?!?!”

It’s true. It’s how I was all like.

Feb

Self #1

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: State of the Brian

Self #1
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

Well after all that, how about something about me?

My name is Brian. I currently live in Columbus, Ohio with my ex and three cats. In about five days that will be toned down to just one cat. I’m currently planning on scheming to move to Boston, MA (I still can’t spell Massachusetts). This move will likely be preceded with a trip to Europe and a trip to summer camp (the later being a trip I’ve made every year for the past four years).

I’m not so good at writing about myself (strange thing for a person writing a blog, eh?) so I’m just going to use this space for self-reference on Saturdays in case any friends want to know what I’m up to. I’ll also likely be turning the camera on myself on Saturdays to fulfill that part of my mission. Don’t expect Saturdays to be interesting, but I’ll try.

Feb

Mummy and cat living in harmony

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Documentaried and Made up shit

Mummy and cat living in harmony
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

The cat has always been a favorite prey to the sly and nimble mummy. In the jungle depths of the Congo a mummy will perch silently in a tree for hours waiting for an opportunity to strike. Ever the picky hunter, the patient mummy alertly observes the ground below. Eventually, a lazy cat twists around trees and through shrubbery. Perking it’s ears and looking about, it stops for a moment. That moment is just what the mummy needs.

A flash of green and the cat is struck by an ancient Egyptian curse. Dazed, it is now a simple task for the mummy to slowly wrap it’s victim in it’s natural silken bandages. When it is completely enveloped, the cat is lifted up into the canopy of the tall jungle trees where it is left, sometimes with other catches, to cure for weeks. The mummy’s natural production of salt is steeped into it’s bandages to preserve and add flavor to it’s future meal.

Feb

Rush hour

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Made up shit and Review

Rush hour
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

The luxurious invisible store is located on high street, filled with luxurious invisible items. That’s right, the store isn’t invisible, just the products. Otherwise business would no doubt be slow.

Nobody is quite sure what sort of invisible things are sold in the store and their luxuriousness remains in question, for of course such judgements are quite difficult.

Due to a strict You-Break-It-You-Buy-It policy, the store is only for the most adventurous and/or wealthy shoppers. Any given visit could mean unintentionally spending anywhere from a dollar to a modest life savings. This all depends on who is the attendent at the cash register and how much they feel like charging (the price tags are also invisible, unfortunately). This policy is accounts for 90% of the store’s income.

There are no window shoppers, of course, in part because there are no windows (or doors for that matter). Those thick enough to attempt to illicitly acquire invisible bounty usually find no place to sell it. Not that the owners would notice a theft anyway, as they keep no inventory of their stock.

Always a fun curiosity, check out the luxurious invisible store if you’ve ever in town.

Note: Thanks to Monkey Business Labs’ Idea Generator widget for the spark that started this entry.

Feb

Family photo

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Thoughts on Things

Family photo
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

You have all probably been there. Every Christmas. Every Thanksgiving. Every freaking holiday you gather around for the big family picture. Aunt Sharon tripods the camera and assigns the person to stand on either end of the frame so nobody is out of the shot. The kids run around like crazy. Everybody chats and jokes. Then comes the “cheese” moment.

“Did it go off yet?”
“Are we done yet?”
“Hurry, get back!”

I ask you, what do we do this for? Taking a dull picture of the family that just goes into everybody’s photo archives and only really serves to show everybody’s aging process. I used to hate it. Everybody did. They needed to be dragged outside so they can stand there for 15 minutes, smile for 1 minute, and then go back inside for more turkey.

The nature of families wanting to get along can sometimes limit interaction to the most conservative of the family members involved. When I pulled out my camera at Christmas to practice my new hobby, I worried that my pictures would be too dramatic, too artsy, in short too different for them. No doubt my fears are unfounded, but it doesn’t matter. All I need to do is look at this picture of my cousins and know that it can be a very good thing to do something different.

Oh, and do you see there in the background? That’s aunt Sharon setting up the shot.

Feb

Awww…

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Thoughts on Things

Awww…
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

What sort of things could you do to improve a sled with technology?

Of course the two most obvious things are adding a clock and making it USB powered.

If we’re talking about the sort of sled that resembles the lid of a trash can, you could make it spit to improve the stability. The trick with that would be keeping the passenger from spinning. Perhaps a second layer could be added that counter-rotates in order to keep the rider stationary. I’ll bet if you made it so that fins could pop out of the bottom, you could make huge jumps by creating lift. Extreme sledding anybody?

As far as toboggans go (the long sleds with the runners), hydraulics could be installed to make it hop like a low rider (imaging cruising down the neighborhood hills, getting all the chicks).

Brakes maybe? There’s a thought.

How about bobsleds? Aside from olympic competition which would no doubt ban them, jet engines could be fun.

Hell, just stick an iPod dock in it. It’ll sell.

Feb

Dreesed

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Made up shit and Short Story

Dreesed
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

It was a dark winter evening. After getting off work Brian headed over to a dark corner of campus to meet a friend and see Saul Williams’ unique brand of poetry. Uneasy, Brian was constantly looking over his shoulder. It had been a while since he had come around this part of OSU, and for good reason. Five years he survived this place before getting the hell out.

Brian turned his head quickly. It was so quick it could have been an anomaly in his imagination, but he knew better. It was foolish to think he could just walk down the street like he used to. He should have stayed indoors and used the archaic network of walkways that crisscrossed over the maze of roads and sidewalks.

Then they were there. Five of them. Two freshmen, two sophomores, and Optical, a tall senior with a mess of brown hair and a pair of glasses with one lens missing.

“Alpha… Haven’t seen you in a while. I hear they got you workin’ up in the Humanities College.” The disdain behind those last two words was palpable. “Shouldn’t you be back there dissecting some postmodern arguments?”

Brian took a minute to look over the crew. All of them had scars cutting through tattoos of mathematical formulas and diagrams. “That’s funny, Opti. You know I’m doin’ tech support.”

Optical smirked, “I hope they give you good life insurance, because I expect they won’t find more than a picoliter of you when we’re done.” He stepped closer, followed by his cronies.

“What’s your tolerance on that estimate?” said a voice from the shadows. They all looked just as Professor Q stepped into the light. Seeing him, Optical shot a last look at Brian with squinted eyes and was gone a second later.

“Were they that bad when I was here?” Brian asked the professor.

“Oh my, I seem to recall them being quite a bit worse,” he said, grinning as they walked on down the street.

Feb

Oscar investigates

By Brian 0 Comments

Categories: Cats and Made up shit

Oscar investigates
Originally uploaded by cheerfulstoic.

Meet Oscar.

Oscar is one of the youngest kittens in history to participate in the Feline Olympics. His is a truly inspirational story. He was born to a mother addicted to 2% milk who sold him for a pint of “Mr. White”. He was found not long afterward in a dumpster, where he was taken in by a hip, urban couple from Columbus, Ohio. The swank style inspired him to give up the addiction that he had inherited in the womb and pursue a singing career. Every evening and every morning, just as his owners would fall asleep and wake up, he would perfect the distinctive whine that he would become famous for on his first album “Whine, Cheese, and Milk”. In a freak coincidence, while on his first nationwide concert tour, Oscar was spotted by a talent scout when he made a 15 foot jump to save a puppy that had fallen from a fifth story window. That scout helped him launch his career as an Olympic protege.

Oscar’s strongest events are the 0.00378787879 mile laser pointer chase and the precision pooping event (outside my door every single fucking morning). When he’s not competing, he enjoys long naps on the beach and getting caught in the recliner. Pictured here, we see the perfectionist at work examining his home laser pointer track for damage and maximum reflectivity.